the metamorphosis of the oblivious

 

Every pages in every human's story has a stop. A stop to the next bridge, next day and the next page. My page was usually unwritten, because my soul flew so long for me to be able to write again. In his world, he saw me as a phantom who is hating my own shadow. I chased other's so that I could forget. I startled whenever I had those dreams about me waking up from another. Probably, that's just how my pages is written. Full with dreams but very awakening.

In the awakening, I shattered so many times. I didn't want to be this person, I hated this body. Why I was sent here and why I wasn't there. Question leads to another, I felt so torn just to answer the ghost in me. I thought the world has it answer, that's why I am still here standing on this earth. One day a killer dragon in my dream blew its final shot and the flames chased away my fears. Fear of being wronged, especially.

My paranoia morphed without a single glitch. Nobody knew since nobody asked.  I hated confrontation and pity, I still do till these days. From a small fragment of hope, it grows to a beautiful and a promising wings, illuminating my eyes just like the strap on my wrist. Who was I to know, a small wings could be teaming up with a dragon just to fight the ghost in my dreams.

That was something that I will never understand. You knew before I even have the will to speak. You heal me before I could drop a tear. The road for my phantom was paved long before I knew how to dream again. The pages of my guilt was erased before it was even written. The prized was earned but there was never a game. In the end, you still let me win.

untold tale

from here, its a long way home

the folding breeze for a moment, is no longer the same

far from where i know, 

‘graceful’ doesnt belong to the rain

and cold, thats the only particles in my bones

tell myself how life is a fading dark, 

but only listen to a few

show me where to go, i hate this place, i hate the views

crawling on my knees in a hope of day

theres no one that can make me stay

the remaining love has shred like the skin of old

yes i am falling, just like the universe told

with the grip of my arms, i asked out loud

was i for a moment or was i the hopeful cloud?

if only for a second, could i see the other side

lead me to the path with my broken faith

there’s no telling what i’ll find when you were underneath

over every subtle memory that you beat

this could be my last breath.

lonely paths that cross

I was there before you

and you was there before me

in dark roads and breeze that mellow

we parted ways before we even meet 

for years of numbness 

i don’t believe in blooming souls

for tears of bitterness 

u light up my days like the hopeful moon 

we were living in different horizons

separated by thoughts and what-if’s 

its the wondering of you

and pondering of me 

in a search of something that has some meaning

screaming in silence from the abyss

In the pit of the dark, the one wolf howling for supremacy. The breeze was so mellow, it vibrates the sounds into a frightening echoes. My awakeness is nocturnal like that, so excited for the visibility of the moon, yet so scared that its gonna end so soon. I once addicted to the pain of my gut, I made decisions that I know gonna hurt me. Before I found the ending, before the pain strikes, you cure it right away with your curse and affliction. I spent days for prayers and nights plotting revenge just for you to stop the hatred with a word called kindness. 

Even though at first, I thought love and kindness are so medieval, people and animals are no longer wait the blood to be served, they hunt and sacrifice. You changed those beliefs and rose from your own grave that you dig with your own hands after same kind of mine betrayed you. You weren't bleeding, you were torn to the core. Woke up from a faded memory, developed a parallel beliefs and emerged them into a smaller fraction. You wore wolf skin and convinced me that you understood.

When the sun rise and the warmth embracing our skin, I forgot about the hands that involve in burying the corpse. I forgot about the howl I made only for the echoes to reach your heart, it turns into a memory which I once thought a dream, had me confused between deja vu and imagination. Where was you when the lightning struck me? What was I when you see me screaming to the moon? Why, in so many sense of questions, i choose to ask 'why me'? Aren't you scared of past wounds anymore? Aren't you scared running from a creature like me? Aren't you tired of hunting a revengeful witch? We have been scarred before, then why are we here again at the circle of pain?

When I thought the will be question after question, you showered me with wisdom full of answers. Some nights where I feel the content of life went too deep. As if you dive into the pit of my mind just by starring into my eyes. I wanna kill the curse in me, but you tamed it with your thunderbolts. Every bit of past me was swallowed by the galaxy of your honesty, let it drown in universe of future, made me think about nothing but the future of me. And you. 

Been questioning 'what are you', 'why did you left me alone for so many years', yes I did that, it annoys me that it grows regret in you. There are things that I shouldn't say or wouldn't do but that's not the case with you. I fought pack of wolves but never return home with any of them. For some reason I remain alone and sadly lonely. Not until you tell me about your world, how you met people who made you doubt, questioning your worth and shut down the brightness in you. When I read about the blood that flows when you want to end your world, your faith crumbled like unsteady graves and when you woke up from ashes like nobody would. I hate that I wasn't there.

The rain and storms did change me. The obsession for the moon is no longer in my gut. I am no longer enthralled by the day I can be who I don't want to. My alter ego disappeared in the flood. Now and then, it made me thinking how you can change my move of pawn into a striving knight in one blink of that lake of eyes. There was nothing there, but there is a sacred lotus inside them once you made a glance towards me. It is my reflection that creates a halo in you. I was one a mystical creatures which were purely symbolic to your life, that I didn't know about until you offer me a closer look at your particular fears, desires and values.

Madness world

Its funny how
We would still hoping for sunrise
to replace the moon
When the shines of the moon isn't enough
to fulfill our hopeless needs

This world is a madness
it pushes us right to the end
While we seeking in our pleasure
the why's and how's keep creeping in
Questioning our past
and deciding our future

It is still funny
Where dime is not for needs,
it is for greed.

Full of shiny things
But the sparkle isn't there
When you seek for attention and not for passion
You only live when you feel it.

We all are actually dying
Since all we have is price,
and not pride.

Blinded

Those smiles that covers all
Pounding hearts as she slip and falls
Her pain inside that we cannot see
Tears travelling the face
in finding what love is

Building up life all alone
Her sacrifice is something we cannot buy
All the lengthening smiles
all the sweats she pours behind
we couldn't understand,
Still.

Crawling into her world
and now we knew
How many nights full with sadness
How many days filled with hope
Yet she still fighting on her own
to find happiness within the darkness

That we cannot seek
and cannot give
Because we have blinded by this poor city.

Sekarang lain.

Dunia ni macam roda, ya kau tau. Kadang kau diatas dan kadang kau dibawah, ya, kau tau jugak tu. Bila kau di atas mereka mencantas, bila kau di bawah merekalah dewa.

Kadang kadang orang buat kau macam alat. Kau biar je. Penat pening demi orang lain, tapi kau sabar je melayan.

Tapi bila marah kau dah sampai, sabar kau dah habis, orang tuduh kau tak proffesional. Kata kau selfish. Kata kau lupa kawan. Lupa itu lupa ini.

Masa mintak tolong dulu kau dianggap macam malaikat. Senyum orang tak lekang terhadap kau. Ya, mungkin sebab masa tu kau di atas. Betapa agungnya kau waktu itu. Tapi kau sedar tak kenapa?

Kau hebat? Kau gempak dari orang lain?

Tak. Sebab kau boleh dibuat alat. Kau boleh dipergunakan dengan sewenangnya. 

Bila kau cuba marah, tunjuk diri kau yang sebenar. Kau perasan tak betapa bodohnya diri kau dulu? Buat macam-macam semata-mata nak puaskan hati semua orang. Konon sekadar nak tolong, tapi lama lama kau develop satu karakter yang orang anggap kau ni 'confirm dengar arahan.'

Pergi mampus.

Kadang kadang dah malas nak kawal emosi sebab dah letih. Benda benda bodoh macam ni lebih berlegar dalam otak kau sedangkan betapa banyak lagi benda penting untuk kau fikir. 

Mungkin kau terlalu banyak buang masa dengan orang tak sepatutnya, fikiran kau jadi cetek. Berjangkit.

Kekal Mati

Deel menghirup baki kuah mi segera Maggie Cup. Masin dan enak sekali. Walaupun otaknya mampu mencerna sejauh mana keburukan mi segera itu padanya, namun dia tak kisah. Dia tak mampu menolak hakikat bahawa dirinya tidak mampu hidup tanpa satu produk berjenama Maggie, kerana tidak lain dan tidak bukan, hanya itu yang sudi menemani bila beliau pokai.

Ah, panjang sungguh intro kali ni. Deel bermonolog sendirian. Seakan tahu ada yang sedang menulis tentangnya.

Deel berpura-pura sibuk dengan membelek laptop yang belum dibuka. Kemudian menyelak-nyelak kertas supaya menghasilkan bunyi yang paling annoying di atas muka bumi,

Hatinya gelisah. Kesibukan yang dibuat-buat tidak mampu melupakan segala yang terjadi. 

Rambutnya ditarik kasar. Matanya bulat seakan mahu keluar dari tengkorak. Gaya dan tingkahnya persis CEO yang muflis. Macam dalam drama tu.. Tapi Deel bukanlah seorang bekerjaya, jauh sekali mahu jadi CEO. 

Deel membulatkan tekad. Kali ini apa nak jadi, jadilah. Deel perlu bertindak mengikut kata hati. Kali ni saja. Biarlah apa orang nak kata, Deel sudah tak peduli. Persetankan semua itu!

Motor vespanya dihidupkan, dan dibawa ke tempat yang hanya Deel saja yang tahu. Kerut di dahinya begitu ketara sekali. Seperti sedang menjawab equation yang kesusahannya tiada tolok banding. Pengguna jalan raya juga hampir pengsan melihat wajah Deel yang begitu masam. Nasib baik tidak berlaku sebarang kecelakaan di jalan raya tersebut.

Motornya diberhentikan di hadapan Cafe Lulz, sebuah cafe hipster yang menjadi kegilaan remaja perasan hipster era ini. Lokasinya yang terletak di tengah bandar dan kemudahan wi-fi percuma membuatkan lebih ramai pelanggan tertarik kerana lebih mudah mereka untuk update di laman sosial. Begitu hipster sekali. Hipster sehipster-hipsternya.  

Kelibat gadis berambut panjang dan berbaju kurung menarik perhatian Deel. Helmet dibuka dan dicampak ke tengah jalan. Sengaja dia buat begitu. Manusia sepertinya memang inginkan perhatian 24jam.

"Kayla!" 

"Kayla!"

Deel terpekik-pekik di dalam Cafe Lulz. Semua yang sedang makan hampir tercekik dek suara yang high pitched itu. Lebih teruk, ada yang pengsan dan mati kerana tertikam diri sendiri menggunakan tulang ikan. Hilang hipster gara-gara Deel yang seakan-akan kurang siuman.

"Kaylaaaaaa!". Kali ini suaranya ditinggikan lagi. Sehingga menarik perhatian seorang gadis yang sedang mengambil gambar makanan yang terhidang di hadapan. Jelas riak wajahnya terkejut.

"Dd...deel...? Awak buat apa kat sini? Awak buat apa cari saya?" Gadis itu gelabah. Gelabah atau nervous, penulis pun tidak tahu. 

"Kayla...kayla..." Deel mengukir sengih kerang busuk melihat ketakutan di wajah gadis itu. Setakat ini tiada yang lagi busuk dari itu, kerana kebusukan senyuman Deel menduduki carta pertama mengalahkan kerang-kerang busuk di Malaysia.

"Kau jangan ingat aku lupa..semalam kau tinggalkan aku macam tu je! Sebab jantan keparat ni! Kau ingat aku boleh biar??!!" Suaranya ditinggikan lagi menunjuk ke arah lelaki di hadapan gadis itu.

"Deel. Kau dah gila? Itu cerita 10 tahun lepas. Aku dengan Malik dah kahwin pun. Kau ni pelupa tahap bangsat ke apa?" Gadis itu bersuara kasar.

Deel meraup wajahnya yang kusam dan berminyak. Dia terduduk. "Kau...dah kahwin?"

*bersambung..

Aku tak kisah.

Pertama. Manusia datang dan pergi. Samada kau datang, atau kau pergi, ya, aku tak kisah. Kau perlu faham, dan kau perlu tahu bahawa betapa ramainya manusia dalam dunia ni boleh dibuat kawan. Dan orang itu tak semestinya aku. Tak semestinya kau. Maka tolong faham.

Kedua. Hampir 99% sisi gelap kau yang kau dah tunjuk secara kau tak sengaja. Kau tunjuk your true colour, betul. Tapi kalau penerimaan aku terhadap sisi gelap kau yang itu akan menjatuhkan satu hari nanti, maka aku mohon, jauhi aku. 

Ketiga. Aku tak kisah menjadi miskin, tak kaya. Daripada aku perlu bermuka-muka mencipta kebahagiaan yang lahirnya dari sokongan material, maaf aku tak mampu. Jika aku tak berupaya menuruti kemahuan kau, untuk habiskan wang kearah itu dan ini, sekali lagi aku minta maaf. Aku bahagia dengan keadaan aku sekarang. Miskin atau kaya, itu letaknya di belakang.

Keempat. Sahabat itu sangat besar nilainya. Kalau kau tak mampu menilai, aku tak kisah. Tapi aku tahu menilai mana sahabat, mana kawan, mana kenalan. Dan aku tak perlu beri alasan kenapa aku menjauh. People change and grow apart.

Kelima. Aku tak kisah jika fikiran kau masih belum matang. Tapi aku mohon, supaya hormati keputusan, dan hak peribadi aku. Aku punya keluarga dan juga komitmen lain. 

Kadang kala semua yang dirancang tak akan menjadi tanpa izin-Nya. Aku tak kisah tentang apa yang berlaku, kerana Dia dah tetapkan. Aku masih ada impian dan mimpi untuk aku kecapi, yang aku percaya, tak melibatkan diri kau walau secebis zarah. Maaf.

Racial problem : Kenapa aku sensitif.

Salam. Greetings.

Menjalani hidup baru dekat sini dah membuka mata aku seluas-luasnya. Aku jadi sayang pada semua makhluk bumi. Sebab aku nampak sifat kemanusiaan itu masih hidup, walau cela mana pun seseorang itu. 

Jadi aku mula pandang, bahawa yang cantik itu di dalam. Kalau dia jahat dan selalu baling batu kat bas, respect dan sayang tu perlu ada lagi sebab kita semua manusia. Aku percaya sejahat/senakal mana pun orang itu, sifat baik dan cantik tu mesti ada kat dalam.

Lagipun kita tak sempurna. Dan kita perlu tahu tu.

Sekarang apa yang aku nampak, manusia masih tak ikhlas. Tak ikhlas nak mengaku semua manusia ni perlu dihormati. Jadi sebab tu benda racist ni makin menjadi-jadi. 

Aku ingat lagi masa dalam bas, nak ke kelas petang. Waktu tu hujan lebat teramat. Cermin bas pun kelabu semacam. Orang dalam bas berhimpit-himpit, semua berkejar ke kelas. Dalam bersesak-sesak tu, ada empat hingga lima orang Indians yang nak turun. Dan dia pulak duduk kat seat yang paling belakang. Kiranya susah la nak turun, sebab orang dalam bas tu ramai.

Oleh sebab waktu tu hujan, ada seorang lelaki Chinese turun dari bas, dan payungkan sorang demi sorang Indians tu. Kejadian ni berlaku depan aku. Sebab waktu tu aku berdiri dekat 'no standing area' di pintu bas. 

Respect.

Kejadian kedua, waktu malam. Juga dalam bas. Semua student nak pergi taklimat ptptn waktu tu. Dua dpp bergabung dalam satu dkg (dewan kuliah gugusan). Jadinya kalau sebuah bas tu memang tak cukup untuk tampung semua student nak bawak ke dkg. Kami tunggu bas kedua. Bus stop masih penuh waktu tu.

Bas kedua sampai, sampai turn aku dengan roomate nak naik, tak muat. Memang tinggal kitorang berdua je kat luar bas. Ada sekumpulan budak yang nampak nakal, menjerit dan bagitau semua orang dalam bas supaya duduk atas riba kawan. Barulah aku dengan roomate dapat naik. Terima kasih.

Respect.

Aku jadi sayu dan bangga dalam satu masa. Fahaman ni masih hidup. Kita selama ni duk cela orang tu, kutuk bangsa ni, kita tak pandang yang baik. Duk fokus tang jahat je. Jadi setiap kali aku dengar orang mengata dan mengutuk pasal bangsa, aku akan kuatkan hati aku untuk cakap 'eh tak semua macam tu la. Jangan sebab seorang yang buat, kau nak judge semua'. Mesti. Aku akan bidas sesopan mungkin.

Kalau mereka boleh hormat, kenapa kita tidak? Laungan '1 Malaysia' tu untuk apa sebenarnya? 

Atau kau masih nak claim bumi Malaysia ni milik Melayu? Milik atau tak, sifat kemanusiaan tu kena ada. Hormat tu kena ada. Kalau boleh, sebelum kau kutuk tu kau letak sekali diri kau kat tempat diorang.

Enak ke rasa dikutuk?

Kbye.

Queen of the world.

She's laughing the loudest at this time,
standing tall to tell her existence.
She greets and smiles,
to all the boys who's passing by.


Together with her crew in girly looks,
makes she feels like flying while forgetting her roots.


No one dares to give her hell.
All the boys will protect her well,
because the pretty face she wears.


Every men will do the same,
give what she claims,
because attention is what she aims.


At night in blinks with her group,
her face is full with colours too,
Black eyes turning blue.


Standing on the line with a warning sign,
everyone should keep in mind,
that she's the best of all time.